shoulders big enough..

Nearly five years ago..I had one of the biggest scares of my life.  This week I was reminded of it..so I thought I would share.

What I'm about to tell you is no different then hundreds maybe thousands others that have had a baby with RSV.

However my story is about how I viewed GOD at that point in my life..how I judged HIM and how I thought him heartless.

So while I'll hit on a few highlights of "the scare" what I really want to share is about a personal battle I went through in learning to trust HIS plans for my life.

LAYING A FOUNDATION:

I have three children..the oldest is 10; the middle 4 and the youngest 3.

All of whom have were not a part of "planned parenthood" nope as HE would have it..each came as a blessing in a time of HIS choosing.

After 4 yrs of raising Bunter (baby #1 surprise); building our first home; working on my career and planning a future..I prayed secretly that my dh would be moved to have another as his concern was that we could afford another one..so I asked the Lord to soften his heart and to tell me when he was ready..as I didn't want have to beg for another baby.

Then I had a dream.

The next day I wasn't sure why but I wanted to call and tell him about my odd dream. So I called him up to share it with him "the Lord would give him a dream and then I would know he was ready.." he interrupted me to say "oddly enough" he also had a dream the night before and it was about having another baby".

I was stunned and almost in disbelief..I remembered walking into work on a cloud that day and him saying to me " I guess it's time..I love you."

The "fun" began and we conceived quickly.

Went to the first 6wk appointment..all seemed well, blood work done and then about two days later I got a call..asking how I was feeling?

"Fine, good, why?"

"Your progesterone levels are low and we need to get you started ASAP on some supplements."

"OK..what do I need to do?"

"We will call in a prescription for you, pick it up quickly and start using it immediately."

Not panicked because after all this was a "planned God thing"  just thought this was standard stuff and what not..so I picked it up and went home. That afternoon the Doctor called me again to explain that the body would try to reject the embryo at early stages if levels were not normal..so what she wanted me to understand is that there was a possibility it wasn't caught early enough.

It didn't hit me till the next morning at about 4 Am when I started bleeding.

I held onto the hope that it would all work out and that it wasn't too late..besides it was HIS will.

As it was HE would have to carry me through that time of disappointment. I was reassured that one day I would hold that little life in Heaven. Because I know that every good and perfect thing from HIM will be there.

I can tell you honestly that I needed every ounce of love and prayers and I was not disappointed while going through the miscarriage and I will never doubt how "cocooned" I felt in HIS hands..I even remember taking a shower and crying out to HIM that I would "always PRAISE HIM in those storms".

 Three months passed I lost 32lbs by a life style change and at the next check up my dear doctor/friend asked us if we where ready to try again? If so she wanted me to take the progesterone prior to conception.  My dh knew I needed to go forward and was on board with seeing what happened not hesitating once.

We tried and were successful again but I lived in constant concern that I would do everything right to stay healthy the whole time.

Perfect labor and delivery with no problems..Trooper was born 9mos later.

Now the rest of the story..

At only two weeks old Trooper's pediatrician diagnosed him with the common cold medically termed "Respiratory Snynical Virus"

{RSV: epidemics are common in the late fall to early spring, which can spread among households; day cares and schools rampant and can last up to 2-4 weeks}

His doctor told us of the symptoms and what to do to help him.

• keep him elevated (he slept in the car seat tilted up)
• keep nose clean (the nose syringe stayed in my hip pocket)
• humidifying ( had one attached to him the whole time)
• mom get some sleep and don't lose your sanity worrying..(I only slept 12 hours in 3 days..does this say how scared I was?)
• if you start to notice color changes or just not responsive to touch or sound you need to get to the ER. ( around the clock I watched him, can you imagine now why sleep was not an option?)

Well on the night of day three right after bathing him, he was nursing and I had to call my dh over to see if he saw what I was seeing right before my eyes.

Even though my little guy was not feeling well he was an ambitious eater continuing to latch on for dear life even though he was having a hard time breathing as the color changed around his lips and nose..an indication of my worst fear come true.

These words I'll never forget from my dh.."Dawn he is not breathing well and we need to get him to the ER NOW."

My heart sank..but my resolve to help him and to get him help went up.

I remember the usual 28 min drive to town being 10 mins with flashing emergency lights.

I remember calling the ER to let them know we were on our way.

I remember every intersection light being green and the determination in my baby's daddy's voice saying he wouldn't stop for a red light much less pull over for a police car.

I remember it all happened from the backseat as I clung to my little baby boy who fought for air as I pounded on his back while we drove fast, very fast.

When we rushed in the staff was ready..the oxygen was given..the monitors and IV were started..the ambulance was being prepared for a drive to the big city as our little town is not infant care equip.

Oh and my little guy's oxygen level was at a 16%..it should have been a 98%.

Fearful and uncertain if I just nursed him for the last time, I had no clue what to expect.

It seems immediately I went into a question of faith after this set back, again.

I thought what kind of test is this God?

After they whisked him away from my arms it was a blurr..we followed the ambulance to the big city they immediately took him to NICU where the "life support" was standing by. The battle waged on for the next five days, step down unit..back in NICU..step down unit..back in NICU..life was turned upside down and my anger turned up directly towards the Creator.

What was happening..?

Why was this happening?!

WHY is it so hard for you to just reach down and heal him I'm your faithful servant?!?!

WHY GOD?!?!?!?

I yelled this at anyone who tried to console me...everyone..my husband, my family  and even my pastor.

Then like salve on a burn,  instant relief came..my answer.

"Dawn I don't know why..but I am certainly thankful for just how much HE loves Trooper and you and me and everyone else enough to withstand our anger and outbursts towards HIM...and I'm most thankful that he has shoulders big enough to handle it."

Then and there my anger at HIM dissipated..when I thought of HIS sacrifice and the weight of the World on those shoulders I found it hard to be mad at someone who gave it all HE had on the cross.

Then I remembered my promise in the shower during the miscarriage, how I vowed to praise HIM in these storms.

HE handled it..my lack of commitment.

He handles it..my waywardness from HIM.

He handle it..my rebellion and sinfulness.

He will handled it all ..because His shoulders are big enough and because HE LOVES with an everlasting LOVE.

At this point we prayed over Trooper..and I surrendered  everything good or bad I accepted that I could trust HIM.

In less then hour Trooper made a miraculous turn according to doctors and nurses (you think?)..he was able to be held again, bathed and fed all within the same night. My GOD became my Dear Heavenly Father and since then I've been learning to trust HIM with every storm.